A Fate Worse Than Death
by fear.loves.me
Summary: A couple years pass and Near's view of being L, himself, and life changes.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or its characters. I make no money from this.

AN: I'm thinking about making this a chapter story.

Before I never cared, it never mattered, but now it is all gone, everything. Lives where risked and ended! For THIS?!? This job! It's nothing.

L how did it feel to have nothing or no one for a job? Or a hobby? This had to have been a job for you. Although I know you only took the cases you wanted to solve a hobby doesn't stop you from living your life. Did you want this? And Mello, the closest person to me, this job destroyed us! Our could have been friendship, your friendship with Matt and everyone's lives. Was it worth it? You wouldn't want this. No one would. You were right when you called Wammy's an Institution, it is not an orphanage. Wait, no, Mello actually it is only a factory, designed to produce. It makes you crazy, I have realized.

After A and B and L and you and Matt I still thought I was different, that I could not fall with emotion. I did not understand that I was all of you. Mello I was your dream, number one, the best. L I was your perfect successor, I completed what you could not. B I believe when you first arrived you had the same dreams as Mello. A, you could not take it, you saw the fate of L and myself and ended your life before this could change you. Your intelligence surpasses mine.

Solving cases is not difficult. I can do them on my own. The remaining members of the SPK have moved on to their normal lives. But, as recommended by Roger I have my own line of successors. This is not my wish but I cannot stop the cycle. Many people believe the world needs L. Maybe it does and L's and my life have been chosen as sacrifices.

Today is August 23, 2015 and earlier Roger has informed me tomorrow is my twenty-fourth birthday. I have never kept track of it. Does he think I will celebrate now? He knows I only continue to be L out of respect for L and those who died for this. It seems as if I'm the only one left unscathed but now, I see this as a fate worse than death.

AN: It's short, I know... but should it become a chapter story?

Criticism? Comments? Do you agree with the way being L is portrayed?


	2. Chapter 2

Happy Birthday

I still don't own Death Note.

Another day of existence and being L. I awake from a seemingly dreamless sleep and take my place on the surveillance room floor to build a picture using dominoes. A way to pass some time. I would hate to admit this but I was waiting for my number one successor who liked to call himself Zac because he thought it was "cool". Roger insisted I needed someone with me at all times to help me so he sent the eldest child in line, a seventeen year old. I gave in quite easily because I knew I needed the help. Who else would go outside for me? I couldn't take care of myself for too long.

I could hear him slowly walking up to me. Trying to sneak up on me.

"Yes... Zac."

I could hear him sigh in disappointment behind me as I placed another domino.

"Well L, I wanted to surprise you but I have something for you."

My brain went in overdrive trying to figure what someone else could give me and why they would want to. Most of the time I was giving him orders or sending him away for toy-runs.

I turned slowly and hugged my legs, worried. There was a medium-sized box wrapped with white paper in his hand. As he handed it to me I reached out one of my arms and grabbed the box.

"Why are you giving this to me?" I had to ask him. I gave my best stare into his green/hazel eyes to look for any signs of deceit, no luck.

"It's your birthday." He mumbled.

How could he have known that? Roger, of course.

I started to twirl a strand of hair thinking of the reasons Roger could have for letting my birthday be known until Zac cleared his throat loudly wanting me to open the gift so I opened it. It was a blue button down shirt with a suit to wear with it.

What was I going to do with this? Go outside?

"Thank you."

"Any time L." He said with a smile. "I have shoes too." He added quickly.

"Thank you." No emotion was on my face but I was happy. I had never received a gift from someone outside of Wammy's. And even then it was a pity gift, but maybe that's what this is. He knows I don't want to be L and maybe he pities me. He goes to his desk and starts working and I can only think about that gift. It was so different. It made me feel different. I felt normal.

Turning back to my activities I suddenly said "Don't call me L, I'm Near."

It wasn't Nate. But it was still me. The closest I could go.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Don't own Death Note, never will.

AN: I'm glad somebody's reading this... must not be _that_ terrible.

Normalcy

Today I wanted to do something different, a change. On television they say a person can be whoever they want. I understand this wasn't for me, this was for the normal adults who had normal upbringings and normal IQ scores. Suddenly I had a different attitude or some would say I had my first. Being L was boring and I didn't want to do it. Today was Sunday so Zac was at the factory. It was boring without him. My house of cards was about to fall and puzzles didn't interest me now. I could go outside but where? Why?

If Zac was here he would know. He leaves all of the time for food and my household items.

I would hate for Roger to know but I have slowly stopped working, slowly letting Zac takeover. He is completely able to takeover after my death. I have clearly choose him. I once asked him if he didn't want to become L what would he want to do as a normal civilian he said there was nothing else for him, he added he was made for this job. That sentence he said made me the most angry.

Then I realized the letter would always continue as long as Wammy's did. What I thought about it personally didn't matter or change anything. There would always be the A's, L's, and Mello's of the world. There always be a Near, the person who "wins". I would die being L and Zac would be L.

I could tell he wanted it badly. I wonder if wants it as much as Mello did. He still felt didn't have a choice and neither did I.

THE NEXT DAY

White jigsaw puzzles may seem "boring" to others but this is the ultimate mystery, solving the ultimate case. To put each piece together perfectly making the image plain and clear without any direction is the goal. I could compare with being L but the letter destroys the lives of almost all involved. This puzzle hurts no one. It destroys no humanity.

"Near, I know who the thief is."

I had already figured it a few days ago after going through his notes but I wanted to see how long it would take him.

I turned to him, on the floor. "Who is it?"

"You know already, I know you touched my things." He sounded sure of himself. I was certain he came to same decision as I. Impressive. "Inform the police."

LATER THAT DAY

"Are there rules for being L?" Zac asks me after he returns from a trip to a grocery store.

Rules for being L...

There is something he wants to ask directly.

"The only rule is to solve cases and keep your identity secret." They are not written in a book somewhere, however if rules were created those would be important.

"So why don't you ever go outside? No one knows your L." Great question Zac.

"You could be almost normal if you really wanted to. You could have a life of some kind..... it couldn't be completely normal but almost."

At a loss for words I get up, walk into my room and close the door, waiting for him to leave.

I could be normal... but what would I do out there. People usually have something to do. I'm not the average looking person. People would stare. I could change my appearance slightly but would it even be worth it?

Yes, worth the try.

Maybe things could change for me. It could even help me become a better L. I've also solved cases where the need to fit in was a motive. Is normalcy worth the trouble?

Yes... it's worth the try.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Thanks for the review! I'm glad somebody agrees with me.

Death Note is a great series. I do not own it. I cannot make money from it.

Attempting

I am much more intelligent than the average person while I cannot complete tasks they complete daily. I am twenty-four years old with a teenager taking care of me... that is not normal.

All I do is get out of bed, eat, and play games like a child, not normal. I hardly even do my job. I only read the notes in Zac's desk to solve cases... and even then I wait until he arrives at the answer.

This morning I awake at approximately 7:03 a.m. A few minutes more than usual. There would be no games, no puzzles, no cards... just work.

First, I went through Zac's desk. His desk was neat and clean. I went straight for the cabinet on the left where he keeps his case files. I sat at his desk normally, as everyone else does and carefully read each one. After about 78 minutes the two cases were solved. I could search the network for potential cases but Zac's desk seemed more interesting. He had four papers on his desk that would normally blend in but they were not the type of paper I order. They are outside objects not cleared by me. I read through the pages... background checks were made on the nine names. He must have an interest in these people, but why? They must be relatives of some kind. I placed the papers the exact way I found them.

I have no interest in his side projects or any part of any of Wammy's children, anymore.

Sitting the way everyone else did felt cold and impersonal, like I was a stranger to myself. I couldn't help it, I had to sit the way I used to. It comforts me.

Despite that I put my legs down as I heard Zac come in. He sets his jacket on the only sofa in the room.

"I'm surprised to see you at my desk, usually I don't catch you." He laughed.

"I was working... I will be needing a desk also. With it I want a comfortable chair that I can spin around in."

"...Okay. Why are you sitting that way?"

I turned to him slowly. "This is the normal way."

He looked confused. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"I will be using your desk until you get mine." I was an adult, they don't usually sit on the floor. Between the two of us, he was a child.

"Then where will I work?"

I pointed to the corner where I usually play games, cluttered with my toys.

"You work over there."

"Can I take down the card tower?"

"No." I may wish to continue that later.

He grabbed the cordless phone on my temporary desk and went to the corner to most likely get my new desk and chair. I moved over to the voice equipment and contacted the respective agencies about my solving the case.

I searched and found three new cases that fit L's criteria.

"I can get your desk tomorrow."

"Thank you."

"Why do you even have all of these toys here?" He was shoved into the corner trying to stay away from the beautiful structure I made of entirely of cards.

I like to keep them close to me.

I wouldn't tell him that of course. I knew it was odd for me to even play with toys. I was trying to be normal... and I was a genius... I was L: The World's Greatest Detective, to the world.

"I do not want those toys, put them in the closet, leave the cards."

At 9:21 p.m. Zac stretched and got his coat. "I'll see you tomorrow Near."

"Yes... be safe." I said eyes still on the papers in front of me. I would say I looked like a hard-working adult in white pajama's and socks, however I was really only thinking about solving a puzzle again, the way you look at it and all the pieces, it looks challenging, but I can fix it. Everything is fine. With my skills I can solve it within the hour. So much unlike life or the fairly normal one I was now trying to lead.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: I feel it seems like this is getting nowhere but it is.

I knew I could never help or change what happened but I could always pretend, act out different events in alternate ways. I could never stay away from puzzles or toys but for the first time I pulled out the box of finger puppets, used to act out the other case and people's movements.

That was my greatest case. The most significant of my life. These smaller versions of everyone reminded me they were gone... but L's was what caught my mind... there he was, the person I was copying. I did not want to end the way he did. Why did he reveal himself to his enemy? Maybe I was smarter than him... maybe he did not think ahead, maybe he no longer cared. Risking your life is seen as honorable, but that wouldn't mean anything to anyone being L. We would only be replaced without any thought. No one would know I died but Zac and Roger.

I put them away and started towards the closet. I told Zac I did not need to play with toys and I do not need them... I just wanted to.

I grabbed three colorful robots and turned the power on making colorful lights flash. I created a simple story where I was a hero helping people who counted on ME. Not L, not even Near, Nate River.

When it was approaching the time Zac would come in I carefully put the toys away and went to the desk to start working. A few minutes later he arrived.

"Good morning Near." He greeted, walking to the corner.

"Good morning."

"Do you have friends Zac?"

The question was something on my mind... L wasn't normal, neither was I, but Zac could be. Maybe he has social skills... and if he can care for me he can already care for himself, he could become the greatest L.

"I have friends, why do you want to know?" He frowned maybe at my questions concerning his personal life. "I assumed so." I did really, he wasn't like me. If he went outside people wouldn't stare because he looked "weird" or "different" or even "creepy" as I have been described. He always dressed in jeans and t-shirts, maybe like normal teenagers. His black hair was always groomed framing his face. I would say normal.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No, yes... but why the sudden questions? Will my answers affect my chances of becoming L?"

I hadn't told him he had already been chosen because... I wanted to save it. However, I told Roger he was chosen in case I died before I could tell him myself.

"They will not affect your chances."

"Then can I ask you the same questions?"

"I do not have friends."

"Girlfriend?"

"I think you would know the answer to that. I am always alone when you come here."

"I'm not here at night... or in the early morning, who knows what happens behind your door." He laughed.

"Are you making fun of me?" I was not completely sure but sounded like joke at my expense.

"No. I was just joking, sorry."

"Such jokes are not funny."

"Sorry."

Usually I did not care about what other people said or thought... and I have been made fun of on many occasions... but this made me glum and slightly angry at Zac. Not because of what he said, because he had what I wanted. Zac was able to have friends and even a relationship while coming here while working as L.

Somehow he noticed my mood.

"You could have those things if you wanted. You just have to know more people."

"How could that happen?"

"Maybe you could go to school or get a career."

That could happen. What would I do?

"What kind of career do you think I can do well besides being L?"

He thought about it for a second.

"What do you like most about being L?"

What did I like most? "The results."

"The results of what?"

"The results of the case being solved."

"Do you care about the people involved?"

"No."

"Maybe you'll like science. Scientist work with results."

That could work.

"Talk to Roger about it tomorrow. I'm sure he can help you."

Maybe he could. I would talk to him.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: This really isn't going the way I planned but if you guys stick with it I know it can be good!!

* * *

Back to the place where everything started. I have not seen Roger in person in almost a year. I was not surprised he requested my visit.

I sat normally in chair across from his desk.

He curiously looked at my new sitting position curiously but changed his mind last minute and decided not to ask his question.

"Well L I've thought about our conversation and I believe you could benefit from interacting with the children and staff here, at the orphanage."

I continued to look at him.

"When you where a child here you knew everyone was crazy about L, he's a great celebrity here. Nothing has changed. They look up to you... Are those the same pajamas?"

"These are bigger in size."

"...of course they are."

"In any case I think you should stay here for a while as a staff member while learning more about your potential successors, even though you've chosen."

I thought I put finger in my hair. Stay here again, but this time acting as an employee while watching... it could help and I am familiar with the place. It might even be considered a normal job.

"I'm very old and everyone would believe me if I were to say I was training you to become my successor. I can guess your not good with kids but you will learn as you watch me. I need help with these things."

He stared at me.

I continued to look at him.

He cleared his throat.

"What do you think about it? Will you do it?"

"Yes... I will take the job."

This was a faster way to get what I wanted and it seemed somewhat exciting to go to the place where it all started and where I had almost everything I could have ever wanted.

"When do you want to start?"

"Now would be good."

"Good. Now I see no need to hide your identity as Near but no one can know your L."

"Understood."

Though I looked the same I always did, I really wanted to be Near again.

"I'll call down Zac and tell him to get your things transferred. You should walk around and see the place."

I slowly stood and left feeling the urge to walk to my old room. I could feel the stares of children on me as I walked though the playroom, down a few hallways to my door. I walked in taking in its new appearance. From the pink decorations I could tell a young girl stayed here. She had pink and purple things and pictures everywhere. She had no chance of ever being L if she held on to these people. I sat on the bed thinking of the careless days of being number one and playing simple games.

Somehow I fell asleep in the girl's bed. I awoke to the scream of a small girl. She looked about ten years and started crying into her hands. Someone that sensitive could never be L.

"Sorry." I stood and left. I could still see her standing in the doorway so my apology was not successful.

When will my toys arrive?

* * *

Thank you for your time. Some comments or something would be appreciated. (Even if you really hate it.)


	7. Chapter 7

AN: It would be really nice to know what some people think about this...

* * *

During my short walk though the place I seemed to have alarmed many. I had been called back to Roger's office immediately.

"Near you can't sleep in a random little girl's bed!"

"I know that Roger."

I knew things like that were frowned upon.

"You need to apologize."

"I have already apologized."

"How did that go?"

"My apology was not successful."

"Near, why do you think that is?"

How had my apology failed? After I said I was sorry she still felt the need to contact authorities. I thought about it for about a minute when Roger interrupted.

"I'm going to call for a children and staff gathering to formally introduce you to everyone, understand?"

"Yes."

He made the announcement and we walked into the small dinning hall. The children and some staff members slowly came in sitting next to familiars and friends all looking at me. I was being to feel very aware of myself and straightened up looking at Roger who held a stern look on his face. As the room filled up I played with my hair looked at each child carefully. Somewhere in this crowd were two more potential successors. They were ten and thirteen years so I didn't need to look at the older children.

Zac said he had a girlfriend meaning she must be in this room. There were only three girls that seemed to be in his age group. I was about to start analyzing them when Roger cleared his throat.

"Something has caused everyone to be alarmed. It was most likely this young man. His name is Near and he is my apprentice. Do not try to mess with him. If you do you will answer to me. You cannot outsmart him. He is smarter than all of you. He was once a child here. If there are any problems with any staff member or child find him and he will deal with it. Does everyone understand?"

A group "yes" was heard.

"Good, now Near has something to say to Anna, come here Anna."

Anna must be the girl in my old bedroom. She stood and slowly walked up to Roger. Everyone including Roger looked at me. I looked at Roger.

"Apologize again." He whispered.

"I am sorry." I apologized again. She looked scared.

"For what Near?" Roger continued.

"For going into Anna's room without her consent."

Was all of this talking really necessary?

"Do you accept Near's apology?"

"Yes." She looked at me and smiled.

Maybe it was necessary to say what you are sorry for the apology to be successful and have positive results.

Roger clapped his hands together.

"You are all dismissed. Near follow me." He led me to a bedroom with a small bed, dresser, and a closet. The bed had my some of my things thrown over it.

"This is your new room. Your other belongings should be here soon."

"The desk Zac ordered was put in an old office that is now yours."

I even had an office ready for me to work in.

"I'll show it to you."

My office was located on a floor with many different classrooms and other offices.

He took a key out of his pocket and opened the door. The door had a "Near" sign on it. The room had dark blue walls and carpet. I had a big silver metal desk, a large file cabinet, and a comfortable looking office chair I could spin around in. There was a book on my desk. I looked at Roger.

"That book has all of the disciplinary techniques and each child has a file. Use it when solving their little problems." He gave me the key. "Office hours are over at six. Since today's your first day you don't have be in your office today. Just do whatever you want until dinner." He walked away. I sat at my desk and read the disciplinary manual until I was interrupted by a knock at my door.


	8. Chapter 8

"Hello Zac." I half announced as he walked inside my office dragging in chairs.

"Hello Near." He replied. I continued to read the manual as he placed two chairs across from me an sat in one.

"Why are you here!?"

To know more people, to have what you have of course. To have a job or another friend.

I did not answer aloud, I stared at Zac. He seemed angry about my being here. I said nothing.

"You don't want to be L that much? Don't you know hard how it is!? Your ungrateful and irresponsible!"

He shouted and left my office slamming the door. He wanted me to want to be L. He did not know me then, I never wanted to be L. I was indifferent first. Was this job something to be grateful for? Perhaps. Where would I be if I was never brought to this institution?

Pushing those thoughts aside I continued to read the manual. After a few minutes I decided to go to Roger's office to find out about my "L" duties. Zac would not be helping me for a while. People continued to stare after me but now with more curiosity. I entered his office.

"You should knock before you come in."

I ignored his statement.

"What happened to my case files and computers?"

"They will arrive tomorrow."

I walked out needing something to do. A puzzle would be more than pleasant. As I was about to pass through the common room something caught my eye. A familiar looking toy stared up at me. I passed a few children playing on the floor to grab it and went back into my office. After closing the door I sat on the floor being lost in the imaginary world.

Roger walked into my office.

"Roger, it is not polite to walk into someone's office without knocking."

He went straight to the point.

"Zac told me about his little outburst."

I stood.

"He said you're an asshole who doesn't deserve to be L. Why would he say that?"

"...."

"Your successor shouldn't be angry with you, he should respect you greatly."

Roger turned and walked out.

It is hard to say if he is correct, I did and still respect L but I also dislike him. I also give Kira the same treatment. They are the same and in a way I defeated them both. Perhaps Zac feels the same way about me... as long as he does his job I do not care. I am certain he will remain at Wammy's until he is called upon in my death.

A soft knock comes at the door.

"You may enter."

A young boy no older than than ten entered.

"Roger sent me here."

He must be another potential successor. By his age I could tell he was the one in first place. Smarter than Zac or the other. He will not be chosen. I have already decided. I sat at my desk and he did the same.

"My name is Jacob."

There was no need for introductions.

"Do you understand that you hold the number one rank?"

"Yes."

"Do you know what that means?"

"Yes. Who are you? Why are you asking these questions?"

He started to stare at me in the strangest way, as if he could see anything and everything. He was trying to read me. He would be an excellent interrogator.

"I am Near. Roger notified everyone of that and why I am here."

"What do you want with me Near?"

"I plan to take over for Roger. I must get to know all of the children here." He continued to stare at me studying my face with dark eyes and strange calmness. He seemed suspicious of me and quite agitated.

"Can I leave now?" He whined looking around the room.

"You are dismissed." Later I would to test his abilities. If he held a true talent it would be extremely useful to L.

* * *

**AN: COME ON!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK?? *HONESTLY***


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Wanted to change the POV for a few chapters**

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING

(Near's office)

Ungrateful and undeserving.

"Why did you take me out of class? I want to go back!"

Jacob moved around in his chair uncomfortable with the man of him. The man called Near was lying to him about who he was and why he was here. Jacob knew that much.

Near wheeled a television closer to the boy.

"Yesterday I told you why I was here. Using your given skills, what do you think about everything I said?"

The younger boy looked at his shoes.

"You were lying."

"And yesterday, you were studying my face... but now you do not look directly at me. Do you remember it?"

"Yes." He edged the chair back. A desperate attempt to get away.

"What did you see?"

"Nothing."

"_Nothing_?"

"What do you usually gather when studying someone?"

"Their emotions, intentions, honesty, life."

"You saw _nothing_..."

Undeserving.

The older man pressed a button on the television making a video play.

A police officer was asking a suspect a number of questions. The suspect kept arguing that he was innocent. When the video was over the man in white stopped it.

"This man was accused of killing three children and was found innocent of all charges. What do you think of it?"

The young boy continued to stare at the floor.

"He was lying."

Near was shocked he didn't think the boy could arrive at an answer so quickly. He had even believed the man before investigating it himself, and that took him days.

"You are dismissed."

Jacob ran out of the room as fast as possible, leaving the young man worried.

_Nothing_.

Ungrateful and undeserving.

Asshole.

Jacob could easily read the slightest expressions, maybe a photographic memory and had an IQ that was extremely close to his own. He was terrified of Near. He saw nothing in Near.

Zac held one of the fastest minds, greatest deduction skills and social skills Near had ever seen. He believed Near didn't deserve to be L.

Near hadn't been worried in a long time. He always knew what was next, but now he was second guessing himself.

Undeserving.

_Nothing_.

If there was a such as _Cheap_-Kira, then Near felt very much _Cheap_-L.

Maybe L was just a miserable bastard who held problems so severe he couldn't function in normal society, and due to those problems he used his smarts to capture criminals and put them away, selfishly choosing the "interesting" cases. Near knew all of this and still felt cheap. L was able to give dignity to the job. To make L seem like this great thing, this great thing to die and kill for.

So he _was _ungrateful.

And he _was _extremely undeserving.

For the first time he was sorry for the things he did and the things he didn't know he did: scoring better than Mello _again._ Showing no emotion when hit _again._ Knowing how to play the game and _always_ winning.

"It should have been Mello."

He wanted it, sacrificed his own life for L's cause, Matt even helped.

_Nothing._

* * *

**WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS????**


	10. Chapter 10

The signs had always been his friends helping him, comforting him. They had never failed him, but now a man had shown up lying and he didn't know why. Who was Near? Why was he really here?

That was all Jacob could think of, not caring about his psychology class. He was nervous and worried and the only thing that could calm him was playing outside. His thoughts led to the possibly sinister plans Near held in his (maybe) deep dark mind. He was terrified of the man. Maybe he planned to kill them all. Maybe he wanted to take over the orphanage and make them his slaves. The endless possibilities... What if he was after him?

This paranoia the ten year old held was something he always had. Since infancy he depended on his keen skill for observing body language and facial expressions. During his life of being passed around by countless stangers the only thing to ensure his well being and comfort was being able to read those around him. Up until age five he was a silent communicator. He had been at Wammy's for about three years and in his ten he he had never felt so trapped. Near was almost unreadable. He felt anything could happen now.

* * *

Zac held the "L" files in his hands reading and rereading each sentence making sure nothing was missed.

"I'm practically L without the official title. I should just have it and put poor Near out of his misery."

Despite what Zac thought he wasn't really angry with Near. He just hated the lack of respect Near showed for the responsibility. He knew Near didn't care for it or even his life. In fact Zac concluded Near was preparing for his death. Because Near had chosen him to assist in the cases and lately solve them all, he deduced Near had chosen him. For what other reason would he have for choosing him already before seeing the others, especially the kid ahead of him, number one? Zac figured Near knew they were young and thought he wouldn't live long enough for them to become whatever he deemed a decent age. Maybe it was the age children were able to leave and live on their own.

It didn't really matter, did it? If he wanted to die than he should do it. Accomplish what you want. That's the way Zac thought. As long as he was L. There was nothing else for him to do. If Near were to die he would miss him but you can't force someone to live or love a life.

* * *

Near began to start another puzzle on his desk while trying to explain to a girl why she couldn't just end all of her classes at age nine.

"I hate the teachers here." She whined.

"It does not matter. You must attend all given classes. You are dismissed."

She pouted and walked out of the office. This new job isn't what he thought it was going to be. The children were slightly more annoying than expected. He still hadn't been working on any cases, Roger had told him they were being taken care of. Near wasn't sure if he believed him or just didn't care anymore.


	11. Chapter 11

A FEW DAYS LATER

Near was terribly excited. He was on a roll. This was the closest he had ever gotten to hitting the target three times in a row. He leaned forward on his desk ready to throw the dart.

Until Roger came in.

"I've set up a room for you to work in. I have also made Zac quit solving cases because he isn't L, you are."

"Of course. I know that." He still held the dart in his hand.

"Put the toys away and start working."

In his second working room with all of the equipment he needed. Solving cases on his own was different than having Zac doing most of work. He got used to playing most of the time.

Maintaining two jobs made him forget Zac was ignoring him. However he couldn't help but feel hurt when Jacob refused to see him and ran away from him the hallways.

He didn't want to see Zac now. What Near would call a "temporary dislike" most would call jealousy. He had seen Zac and his girlfriend together and it made him angry. He even thought about stealing her away from him, something he knew he couldn't do even if he really tried. Near would say he wanted "some sort of companionship" but he truly wanted someone to get happy when he appeared and tell him how great he was. If Zac had those things, if normal people had those things, why didn't he?

Maybe he did...

Near didn't think so.

* * *

Number three. Not really in the race at all. Trying though, trying to the point of crying at night. She tried to blame it on sexism, she only scored lower because the results were rigged. She knew that wasn't true, but it felt better than being ranked third fairly. She thought many things could be blamed on men. They started many wars and one was Kira. That was enough to convince thirteen year old Julie.

Studying harder than anyone else wasn't working and the blame couldn't spread too far.

* * *

There should be a book, a novel, a guide. I would have sent someone to buy it for me. The greatest gift. Everything could be explianed clearly in great details.

L cannot grow old.

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**AN: I HATE HOW SHORT THIS IS!! COMMENTS?? QUESTIONS?? ANYTHING HELPS. **


	12. Chapter 12

**ABOUT SEVEN YEARS AGO**

All of those people with their dirty hands, grabbing. So many different houses. How far away from home was he?

A new caretaker. This one was cleaner than the last. It was somewhere with houses spaced very far apart and big yards to run around in. The driver slowed at big blue home with flowers surrounding it. With the sun shining on the home. The three year-old, later renamed Jacob thought it looked like his dream house. The man driving seemed at ease so the boy was calm. The man stopped the car, opened his door and let the boy out. The man was whistling a happy tune and in a rush to get to the front door. The boy grew happier because this man was trying to help him, even if he couldn't remember his name. If this man was this excited about a place it must be nice. The man suddenly stopped walking scaring the boy. The man kneeled looking at the boy trying to get him to understand. The boy looked stared at the man with searching brown eyes looking for a reason to feel safe again...

"I don't know if you understand me but you have to behave. This woman will take good care of you if you behave. Please Joey."

He frowned at the name given to him by them. It wasn't the first name he was given, his real name. He couldn't voice his opinion of it or even speak his name, but he knew it. Maybe this could seriously be the last house. The man was really hopeful. He would try his best to do what this lady said. The man wasn't lying so maybe this one wasn't bad.

The woman came to the doorway with a tired face and worn clothes. Her face lit up when she saw the boy. She seemed so genuine and loving with her smile the boy couldn't help his smile.

She held out her hand. "Come in Joey, I've been cleaning for you!" She turned around and walked inside, he followed. The man silently walked away, waving at the boy one last time.

**.....FEW DAYS LATER.....**

The woman was getting nervous. She had always wanted a baby and now she had the cutest one, but something was wrong with him. He noticed the change in her before she did. This made him anxious and cry at random times. That only made things between them worse.

"Why are you always staring at me!" He was always staring and never saying a word. It confused and scared her. "Just get out of here Joey." He frowned at the name. He couldn't leave her. He had to keep watching. What if something bad happened? So he stayed there, staring at the woman taking care of him. Usually she would stop being scared and play outside with him but this time was different. There was another look in her face. She wasn't scared anymore. She looked extremely angry. He moved againt the wall, sat on the floor and cried. She had never been angry with him before and he knew she would do _something._ Why else would she walk toward him so angrily?

"What's wrong with you Joey! Why aren't you normal? You always stare! Your almost four! Why can't you speak?!"

She began to think it was her fault. Maybe she wasn't meant to be a mother. God was punishing her with a child who had problems no one could fix. There he was staring again seemingly mocking her, still crying. She grabbed his arm and placed him in a place where she could finally have peace again and think. She wouldn't know how that day locked in a small closet effected him.

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**AN: I WASNT QUITE SURE WHERE TO GO NEXT AND THIS IDEA POPPED IN MY HEAD... SORRY IF YOU DIDNT LIKE IT BUT I DID!! SO WHAT _DID_ YOU THINK?? _PLEASE_ REVIEW!!!**


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: For the few that are reading this and enjoying it, I need some suggestions or ideas. I know how this will end but I'm not quite sure how to get there. Anything can help. Thanks!!**

Back to Near's POV (Finally)

Zac marched into my office angrily.

"Did you make Roger take away those files?"

I continued reading Jacob's file. I wanted to bring him back to my office, no more tests for now, just to talk to him.

"Get Jacob in here."

He left and returned a few minutes later dragging the boy inside. As soon as Zac let go of his arm he ran away leaving Zac shocked.

"What did you do to him?"

"I did nothing."

"You did something! Why else would he be that terrified of being here?"

"I did nothing."

He pulled his arm back and punched me in my face. I was shocked. He actually hit me and hurt me on purpose. In my own office. Accusing me of something I would not do. I had my own arm ready to teach him some kind of lesson when Roger came in.

"What the hell are you doing?"

I sat down at my desk and Zac sat in front of me. I guess the problem was over. Roger came in with Jacob hiding behind him. After him was a girl who I could instantly tag as Julie, number three. Zac stood and allowed Julie to sit. Jacob refused to sit in front of me until Roger told him it was safe.

Roger was first to speak. "Near, it's time to tell them. We can't have Jacob in the dark. He knows something's wrong. I underestimated him."

"Understood Roger. I'm L."

Zac left the room while Jacob stared at me then stared at Roger. "It's true. He is L."

I looked at Julie. Then Jacob. Julie spoke. "Well, that is a surprise Roger. This strange, strange man in white with that hair." What kind of person had she been expecting?

"Don't talk about him like that. " Roger scolded her.

"Sorry. So L, what do we do now?"

"My name is Near and obviously no one else can know I'm L."

"Whatever. Can I go back now, Roger?" She looked disappointed.

"You can leave. Near only needed Jacob at the moment."

She left the room. Roger followed.

"Wow so your L?"

"Yes."

"Do you play with those toys over there?"

"Yes."

"Roger told me not to be afraid of you. He said he's known you for a long time. I believe him, mostly." He really trusts Roger or his own abilities. Has he ever been wrong about someone?

When did he become so talkative?

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_**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**_


	14. Chapter 14

He owes me an apology. I would have apologized. Why would I harm a small boy intentionally? He was undoubtedly out of line.

"Do any other people know your L?" Jacob had been asking many questions after learning I was doing what he claimed to want in the future. I am positive that someone cannot understand this life until they live it.

"No one else can know I'm L."

If I actually had someone to tell maybe things would have worked out differently.

"Do you always stack things?" Referring to the matches I have collected and placed carefully.

These questions...

"Yes."

"I like sports, all sports."

"I hear other children playing." It was getting colder, however I would guess they wouldn't want to 'waste' a day without classes.

"I would be outside but Roger told me to spend today in here. I think I have a game that you and I could both enjoy."

He ran out of my office.

...

He was L. I still can't believe it. The only way to describe him was 'white'. He looked so uncaring, would he want to fight for justice?

"Julie!" I walked right into a running Jacob. "Why are running around?"

"I getting a game to play with Near!"

"Are you sure he's safe... he's so blank."

"Oh Julie you don't have to worry about me with Near. Roger says he's okay with no doubts."

"Okay then."

He continued to run in search of the game.

"Hey Jules, let's go outside."

"Okay, maybe my studies can wait this time. Never call me that again."

...

"Sorry Roger, I can't apologize."

"You falsely accused him and physically assaulted him!"

"I'm sure he doesn't care, nothing fazes him."

"Zac, do you even know what you're saying? Just because someone isn't emotional that doesn't mean they don't have emotions, and you can't fault him for not feeling the same as you."

"It's just not as easy as you say it is. How and why would I forgive someone who I am no longer sorry for?"

"You don't know anything about this."

"There's no way I could."


End file.
